I wrote earlier on my techblog about my search for a new anti-spam plugin. (It looks like Antispam Bee is going to be a winner, by the way.) Part of this process involves checking my spam folder on a daily basis for false positives. Generally, I just delete them, but this is a fun (and I do mean fun) opportunity to see what spammers around the world consider to be valuable information the rest of us just can’t live without.

Here are some of the best ones:

First, you tell me your name is Marshall Flowers, and then you tell me your name is Jake Monroe. (Didn’t Molly Ringwald’s character date him in a movie long ago?) Then you tell me that you notice my site isn’t getting a lot of traffic—I’m not sure how you know that or why you even consider it your business, but whatever. More importantly, I’m not interested in paid backlinks, as Google doesn’t pay attention to them and may actually penalize you for them. Seriously, Jake, take your offers elsewhere.

Then there are the ones that don’t even pretend to understand how to add links to a WordPress comment box:

I’m not sure how many bat mitzvahs they have in Iceland; perhaps that’s why this guy has so much time on his hands he can send comment spam to my blog.

I love the ones that appeal to my ego by telling me what a great blog I have:

Yep—you are all spam. My ego is considerably unrubbed.

I also love the ones that don’t even pretend to be related to anything in the blog post, and that try to bury their real intent in the middle of the message:

I’m a bit disappointed, to be honest. I was really interested in reading about Sunchoice Corporate Housing in Florida, when I was suddenly overcome by the urge to buy cheap jerseys from China. Of course, it’s the last line that really gets me:

Often treating the vasculitis can have an effect on the bent manhood; in other cases, the scar tissue may be too far advanced and other methods may be employed if necessary to correct a significantly bent male organ

Reading spam like that makes me feel like this:

Then there are the ones that just make me laugh, like this one:

First of all, it’s not “web explorer,” it’s “Internet Explorer” and if you’re still using that piece of crap for browsing, you should expect problems. Seriously, I haven’t designed anything for IE in five years or more. This issue just doesn’t worry me.

Then there are the spam messages that tell me something is terribly wrong with my site:

Oh, gosh, my website is loading slowly for you? Maybe if I approve your spam comment it will load that much more quickly for everybody!

Then there are the ones that tell me my design is faulty:

“A lot of text for only having one or 2 images”? That spam was on this page, which actually has seven images, but hey, don’t let facts get in the way when you’re trying to sell sports jerseys you don’t own the license to. In the meantime, I’ll try to “could a little more in the way”.

Then there are the ones who are appealing to my blogging expertise:

Seriously, if you don’t know how to google for this kind of information, you really shouldn’t be trying to run a blog. You’ve got other skills to master first. Also, you’ll note that I’ve left their contact information up. I certainly hope the Better Business Bureau sees it.

Conclusion

What makes all of this really ridiculous is:

1. These are all low-quality backlinks, which means Google will pay them no mind. (Google may even penalize these site owners—see the link above.)
2. Yes, this is a WordPress site, which means commenting is a thing. It also means that anti-spam plugins are a thing. You are not going to get through.
3. These were all sent by bots. (How do I know? Because most of them failed the honeypot test.) For the most part, they don’t even try to sound human. So even if I didn’t have an anti-spam plugin, chances are I would never approve these comments, because I do use comment moderation.

There were a few spam comments I was willing to let stand, however:

Why would I let those stand? Because they link to a pizza place in Karachi! Just check out their menu! If I’m ever in Karachi, you know where I’m going for dinner.

And that link, by the way, is one that Google would actually value.

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