Well, it seems that the Trump presidency is a thing now. It’s hard to believe that the United States has its first white president, and he’s a Christian, to boot. Soon, white people will rise to the forefront of the power base in the United States, and they will be everywhere. Because of that, I wrote this guide for people of color on how to interact with white people, because if you haven’t encountered any white people so far in your life, I’m sure you will soon.

Notice!

This article is satire. Keep your hair on.
  1. Tell them about other white people you know, and ask them if they know them. If they don’t, express great surprise and disbelief: “Oh, you simply must know him…”
  2. Find a television show with a mostly white cast (this can be difficult and will take persistence) and tell them you watch it regularly, even if you’ve never seen it before.
  3. Be very blasé when actors of color portray characters who are white in real life. After all, nobody wants to see movies and tv shows with white leads.
  4. Touch their hair. White people love it when you touch their hair.
  5. Tell them that you enjoy sampling their native exotic dishes such as tuna casserole and smores. Ask them for the recipe or for the name of their favorite white food restaurant.
  6. If white people move into your neighborhood (and they will now, you know) greet them in a friendly and welcoming manner, but let it subtly be known that you will be keeping an eye on them. You know, just in case.
  7. Ask them if they have found their inner child yet. White people are very spiritual, after all. Be sure to ask them how they align their chakras.
  8. Compliment them on how articulate they seem to be, even if you are having a hard time understanding them because they’re talking like a white person.
  9. If you can’t understand what they are saying however, assume that they are talking about you.
  10. If they went to college, congratulate them and then ask them what assistance program helped them get into college.
  11. Break the ice by telling some really good white jokes, such as “Why did the white guy go to Harvard? — Because his father and grandfather also attended Harvard!” or “What’s worse than a white woman who can’t make dinner? — A white woman who can’t make dinner reservations!”
  12. Don’t assume that they sell Avon, Watkins, or Pampered Chef just because they’re white. You’ll have to continue going across town to get these things.
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